3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
