I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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