I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
