I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just want to make out with him forever
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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