party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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