One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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