so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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