Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
