yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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