i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
