Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
