Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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