How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
