Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
