it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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