My Higher Power is John Stamos
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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