Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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