proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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