Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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