The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
