just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Be still, my beating vagina.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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