If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
