dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
