Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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