respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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