Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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