Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
