Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
