Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Sorry about my life...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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