she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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