So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
