the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Your penis caused this!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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