threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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