Define "chronic" masturbator.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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