your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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