Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
