There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
