I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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