I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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