I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
