Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
