I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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