Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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