Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
