I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
