you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
