So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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