It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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