Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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