I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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