I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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