I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I wish there were birth control emojis
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
